JANUARY: Actress Elizabeth Hurley tells a shocked world that
the father of her unborn child is Ipswich Town's manager, and that the tot
will be given the surname Hurley-Burley...Dance music magazine Mixmag
reveals the result of their search for the person who has attended the
greatest number of different clubs in the past 12 months. The winner is
Steve Bruce.

FEBRUARY: Bolton's slide down the Premiership table is
explained when it is discovered that opposing defenders have been taking
Vitamin D tablets to counteract the effects of Ricketts... Disappointing
ticket sales for the Spice Girls' reunion tour begin to soar when it
is announced that, in tribute to her husband, Victoria Beckham will start
the concert on the bench.

MARCH: Paul Ince is arrested for leaving the scene of an
accident after Arsene Wenger catches the Middlesbrough captain crashing
into his 2CV, causing damage to the front bumper. However the case collapses

when, in court, Wenger admits: "I did not see the Incey dent"... The search
for Osama Bin Laden switches to Craven Cottage amid rumours that the
Al-Qaeda leader is trying to make contact with the sinister Al-Fayeda
network...

APRIL: Elizabeth Hurley gives birth to a baby daughter whose
head is covered in ringlets. She is christened Curly Girly
Hurley-Burley...In another shock example of footballers behaving badly, the
man who adds up the attendance figures at Anfield is assaulted by Liverpool
stars. Says proud Phil Thompson: "My lads are the best counter-attacking
side in football"...

MAY: Blaming Leicester's relegation on a musclebound striker
who doesn't score any goals, Dave Bassett finally sells Ade Akinbiyi. He
immediately pays 30m to take Emile Heskey back from Liverpool... Arsenal
win the title. but at least Teddy Sheringham and Les Ferdinand book
Tottenham's place in Europe. They'll be going on a cheese-tasting coach trip
round Belgium with Saga...

JUNE: Following three straight defeats by Cameroon, Germany
and Saudi Arabia, distraught Ireland boss Mick McCarthy flies home
straight after the World Cup's first round. Impressed, the Scottish FA
immediately offer him Craig Brown's old job... England's campaign ends in
farce, all 23 players ruled out with food poisoning after Kieron Dyer
persuades them to visit a South Korean restaurant. "I heard there were some
tasty old dogs there," he sheepishly explains...

JULY: In the annual pre-season spending spree, Arsenal
chairman David Dein raids Inter Milan for Ronaldo, Liverpool chairman David
Moores raids Real Madrid for Roberto Carlos and Doug Ellis raids Burnley for

some second-hand kit so he won't have to fork out for a new set...
Middlesbrough's manager returns to Old Trafford as
Manchester United's new boss after Sir Alex Ferguson is overheard saying
he's "looking> forward to spending a lot more time with McClaren". An
even-redder-faced-than-usual Fergie later admits what he'd actually said
was "I'm looking forward to spending a lot mare time wi'ma claret"...

AUGUST: The new season begins with Liverpool kicking off in
front of a capacity crowd at Anfield, Manchester United kicking off infront
of an expectant Old Trafford and Leeds United kicking off in frontof the
Majestyk nightclub... The Queen Mother celebrates her 102nd birthday with a
telemessage from Bobby Robson...

SEPTEMBER: The hunt for Bin Laden appears over when the FBI
arrests a much-disliked bearded man who achieved infamy for wrecking the
twin towers. Sadly, Ken Bates is later released without charge.

OCTOBER: Just six weeks into the season, newly-promoted
Manchester City are losing each game by an average score of 7-4.
Shellshocked boss Kevin Keegan reveals he is considering tinkering with his
revolutionary 0-0-10 formation or, as a compromise, asking Shaun Goater to
play as a rush-goalie... Ariel Sharon names Dwight Yorke as Israel's new
defence minister after his successful incursions into Jordan...

NOVEMBER: The Queen Mother dies and as a mark of respect,
Chelsea players go on a drinking session lower their trousers to
half-mast...Walter Smith leaves Everton, saying he needs more job security.
He immediately becomes CEO of a leading internet company...

DECEMBER: As Christmas approaches, kindly Robbie Savage
promises he'll try his best to make sure that everyone who tackles him gets
a card - though whether it turns out to be yellow or red will depend on how
gullible the referee is... A police report reveals a huge increase in drunk
and disorderly arrests at Upton Park. Glenn Roeder says West Ham will try to

hold their Xmas party elsewhere next year..

Index