From The Guardian:
  "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old
  Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire
  Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his
  account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance  by
  cheque, made out in his new name."
 
  ---
 
  Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone
  system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message
  to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
 
  ---
 
  From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please
  note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The
  Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
 
  ---
 
  From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
  Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from
  the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as
  evidence in a poisoning case.'
 
  ---
 
  From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of
  inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.  A
  coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too
  common these days."'
 
  ---
 
  From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked
  each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of
  Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all,
  but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and
  always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two
  other	Henrys - Jones and Dyer attempted to pull them apart. Several more
  Henrys Smith, Calderwood and Andrews  became involved and soon the entire
  convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was
  eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
 
  ---
 
  From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000
  Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going
  directly into	the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage
  them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions
  in hotels."
 
  ---
 
  From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the
  last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a
  Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of
  course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
 
  ---
 
  From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked
  man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect
  after he produced a valid rail ticket."
 
  ---
 
  An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from
  a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand
  people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the
  Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded
  wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.
 
  ---
 
  An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed
  round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were
  taken to hospital for treatment.
 
  ---
 
  Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki
  passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a
  joke.  Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it
  onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
 
  ---
 
  After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year
  old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off,
  he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of
  them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.

Index