I think that even if you aren't into football you'll appreciate the sheer
stupidity of some of these!

As composed by Football365...

100) "Go Aston Villa!" - Magic-legged Hollywood luvvie Tom Hanks reveals his
affection for a football club as yawn-making as he is.

99) "There were tears pouring out of our keeper's eyes like one of those
cartoon cats that have been hit on the head with a mallet" - Crystal Palace
boss Alan Smith shares his colourful imagery.

98) "I used to drive home from Manchester United training along the M56 and
there was a left turn for Wilmslow, where I lived, and a right turn for
Hale, where Norman Whiteside, Paul McGrath and Bryan Robson lived. I used to
say that it was left for under three pints a night and right for more than
ten" - Former Manchester United star Gordon Strachan sums up the Old
Trafford culture in his playing days.

97) "My lawyer and the officials wanted me to speak. So I just said that. 
It was nothing, it did not mean anything. I could have said 'The curtains are
pink but I love them'" - Eric Cantona explains his famous "when the 
seagulls follow the trawler..." speech.

96) "I think this fellow has just come out of the Endsleigh League. He
thought it was all a joke, he kept laughing and trying to smile at
everybody. It may be a joke to him but it is a serious business to us" -
Then-West Ham manager Harry Redknapp lays into referee Rob Styles.

95) "Manchester was a nightmare. I found Ferguson to be bogus as few people
are. He kept saying to me 'Next time you will play, don't worry, do you
understand?' Certainly I understood, I understood he wanted me out" - 
Former Manchester United goalkeeper and massive Bill & Ted fan Massimo Taibi.

94) "He is a terribly suspicious person who has a deep mistrust of other
people." - Former Nottingham Forest manager Frank Clark gives Football365
the lowdown on Stan Collymore.

93) "Manchester is our city. This is our city and it's not their city. It's
a massive city and it can take two massive clubs and that's what it's got" 
- New Manchester City boss Kevin Keegan just can't help himself in his second
day in the job.

92) "I think you fancy me" - England captain David Beckham responds to a
journalist's constant questioning about his mohican haircut.

91) "Well, he's certainly not Barry Fry" - Charlton and England defender
Chris Powell lavishes praise (we think) on England coach Sven-Goran
Eriksson.

90) "You usually like to play promoted sides around Christmas. They have 
got two lungs at the moment. It was hard work" - Aston Villa's Paul Merson,
midfield wizard and anatomical expert.

89) "The facts are that we could be in Europe by 5pm on Sunday while Villa
have got no chance" - Birmingham owner David Sullivan with a vocal version
of Paul Tait's infamous 'S*** on the Villa' T-shirt shortly before his side
lost the Worthington Cup Final.

88) "We were not prepared to be pushed around by a bunch of yobbos from
North London" - Southampton chairman Rupert Lowe responds to reports 
linking Saints manager Glenn Hoddle with a return to Spurs.

87) "I have just not been quite good enough" - Kevin Keegan has a moment of
clarity and brings his disappointing England tenure to a close after 
Wembley defeat by Germany.

86) "It was a piss poor game on a piss poor day" - Wimbledon manager Terry
Burton assesses his side's scoreless draw with Sheffield United.

85) "He is 98% a Rangers player with around 2% that's not sure. That's
football. It's strange" - Dundee boss Ivano Bonetti gets all philosophical
over Claudio Caniggia's move to Ibrox.

84) "Manchester City are the best pub team I have ever played for" - an
'anonymous' City player sticks the boot in after Joe Royle is sacked.

83) "As long as we don't buy Edwin van der Saar or Peter Schmeichel, I won't
be worried. I don't mind who sits on the bench" - Liverpool goalkeeper
Sander Westerveld is not concerned with transfer speculation.

82) "If we beat Celtic and win our game in hand it brings the gap down to
nine points" - Optimistic Rangers defender Arthur Numan keeps dreaming.

81) "There would have to be an outbreak of the bubonic plague for me to pick
Paolo di Canio" - Italy coach Giovanni Trapattoni lays down the law.

80) "I don't like a non-Englishman being in charge. It's a backward step
when a country as large as ours in the football world needs to do this" -
Former England boss Terry Venables shares his unsurprising opinion of
Sven-Goran Eriksson's appointment.

79) "The players have been fantastic to me, but they will not be kissing my
head. I have told them the only person who can kiss my head is Laurent Blanc
and I do not think he is going to come to United now" - Manchester United
goalkeeper Fabien Barthez confirms he is a one-man man.

78) "He's an arsehole" - Rangers boss Dick Advocaat's opinion of 
Galatasaray coach Mircea Lucescu.

77) "I hate to speak poorly of them (Manchester City), but... they are 
crap"
- Sky Sports panellist anf former City star Rodney Marsh confirms he won't
be joining Trevor Brooking on the fence.

76) "Even Jesus Christ only suffered one Pontius Pilate; I had a whole team
of them" - Ken Bates attempts to spread the blame after the collapse of the
'new Wembley' project.

75) "I told the lads that they'd played well. It was just a travesty having
so much of the game and creating so many chances to be five behind" -
Hibernian boss Alex McLeish laments some appalling luck against Celtic.

74) "Bradford showed last night they love me and the fans confirmed today
they love me as well" - Benito Carbone arrives at Valley Parade to great
acclaim before failing to produce the goods - why change the habit of a
lifetime, eh?

73) "I would like to have Brooklyn christened but I'm not sure which
religion yet" - David Beckham has some thinking to do.

72) "I certainly wouldn't put money on myself. Working as a national manager
is out of the question" - Sven-Goran Eriksson, just before he became England
boss. Hopefully he's not a betting man.

71) "If Mihajlovic says anything bad, I will kick him" - Leeds' Olivier
Dacourt prepares to face the Lazio defender alleged to have racially abused
Arsenal's Patrick Vieira.

70) "David Beckham. Just because of his play and not because he's a
beautiful boy" - Paolo di Canio reveals the identity of the best English
footballer he has played against.

69) "Being manager of this club is like wheeling a trolley around
Sainsbury's. You want to go one way, the trolley wants to got the other" -
In case his earlier gurgling about cartoon cats and mallets wasn't enough,
Crystal Palace manager Alan Smith proves his love for flowery metaphors.

68) "I hope you're finished 'cos I'm off. End of conversation" - Vinnie
Jones' response to Stuff magazine's entirely reasonable question: "Can you
forsee a time when cars will be made of cheese?"

67) "Yeah, I was a bit anxious when I got to the stadium, but in all
fairness if hadn't been anxious I'd have been worried" - Young Leeds
goalkeeper Paul Robinson before making his European debut against Besiktas.

66) "People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would 
dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins,
Shania Twain and Rod Stewart" - F365 columnist Andy Gray displays 
immaculate taste in music.

65) "Historically, host nations do well in Euro 2000" - BBC pundit Trevor
Brooking shows remarkable foresight.

64) "What is written on the back pages of certain newspapers passes me by
like an ill wind which I respect not" - Southampton chairman Rupert Lowe
stops just short of saying 'And a hey-nonny-nonny' when getting medieval on
The Sun's ass for suggesting that Glenn Hoddle was Tottenham bound.

63) "This is a time of low confidence in the safety of meat, I feel" -
Arsenal utility man Gilles Grimandi shares his views on the foot and mouth
crisis.

62) "I honestly don't think we've had any luck all season" - Leeds boss
David O'Leary, whose 'babies' made it to the European Cup semi-final, has
clearly forgotten about Dida throwing that one into the net when Leeds beat
Milan.

61) "He cut his finger and I think it's the one he flicks his hair back
with. He might even have broken a nail" - Leicester boss Peter Taylor
provides an update on midfield hardman Robbie Savage's fitness.

60) "I have a little book in which I have written down the names of all
those who have upset me. I know I will get them some day" - David Beckham
reveals a hitherto unknown mean streak. And now he's got a Travis
Bickle-style mohican! Be afraid!

59) "If you'd have met her, you'd probably understand why he did what he
did" - Jack Charlton gives his hugely enlighted view on Gazza beating up
then-wife Sheryl.

58) "It is like finding a woman with beauty, intelligence and lots of 
money"
- Wimbledon boss Terry Burton has an eye for Fulham goal machine Louis 
Saha.


57) "Whoever comes in to replace me must understand the Watford ethos" -
Outgoing Hornets boss Graham Taylor on that famous Watford ethos.

56) "I don't give two hoots about what Mark Lawrenson says. Have you quoted
me on that? I hope so. Old Mister Lawrenson knows nothing. I haven't got a
problem. He's a very intelligent man. But what is it he does again?
Television is it? How long was he a manager at Oxford? Two minutes? That
says it all" - Sunderland boss and wordsmith Peter Reid shows he doesn't
have to use swear words to make a point.

55) "I've got a team of bigheads. They think they are better than they are.
It was a hopeless performance. I think our players like to look good in
their red and white away shirts but they have no idea about football and I'm
getting sick of it" - Rangers boss Dick Advocaat reacts to his boys'
capitulation to mighty St Johnstone.

54) "How many players do they need before they can start challenging for the
title? If Sol Campbell leaves, 11" - Ex-Spurs manager Ossie Ardiles lays
into his former employers.

53) "Darius Vassell has that burst of killer speed which sets all sorts of
rabbits loose in defenders' minds" - Aston Villa boss John Gregory.
Rabbits!?

52) "I always find the people who do criticise are middle-aged, 
pot-bellied, really scruffy hacks" - Former Leicester (and just about everyone else)
striker Stan Collymore.

51) "We are unbeaten in eight games in which Stan (Collymore) has started
only one. Draw your own conclusions" - Leicester boss Peter Taylor gives it
to us straight.

50) "Wes Brown must nearly be our top goal scorer" - Manchester United
manager Alex Ferguson reacts with good humour to his defender's latest own
goal, against Southampton in May. United had already won the Premiership.

49) "He is a good manager with a lot of experience with Lazio and other
clubs. It should be good, it will be good - we have got many good players
and they will become a good team. I think it will be a good thing" - David
Beckham thinks Sven-Goran Eriksson is good.

48) "I am not Jesus, I cannot change people's heads, but if you have
problems because you are human, it can help to see someone like Paolo Di
Canio has done the same" - Paolo Di Canio sets an example.

47) "We've tried to sign several players but other clubs have got some in.
It's a bit like the girl you fancy being attractive to someone else, so
you've got to be crafty and hit the dance floor before everyone else" -
Crystal Palace boss Alan 'Disco Stud' Smith.

46) "We're a team of nobodies trying to mess up the system" - Leeds boss
David O'Leary in February ignoring the fact he's spent all those millions.

45) "Darius (Vassell) is not as elegant as Dwight Yorke, and he's certainly
a bit quicker. And another thing... Darius is normally in his own bed at 11
o'clock at night" - Villa boss John Gregory embarrasses his young striker.

44) "Rebecca has refused to play football because she feels it is a sport
for boys and it is a thuggish game. My wife and I think she could be 
scarred later in life. It is also played by people who are of a slightly different
disposition from me and my family. They are yobbish" - John Martin of
Salford doesn't want his daughter playing nasty football.

43) "Tempo, now there's a big word" - ITV presenter Barry Venison displays
poor letter-counting ability.

42) "Paulo Wanchope is totally unpredictable, but you know what you're 
going to get when you buy him" - Newcastle's Alan Shearer swaps 'uninteresting'
for 'unintelligible'.

41) "At all the clubs I have been with I have been an instrument of
inspiration to the players. I am here to accomplish a mission. I believe in
God and I believe my mission will be accomplished in the name of God. From
Saturday Derby will be on a different level" - Taribo West arrives to save
Derby from oblivion.

40) "Wash 'n' Go, Wash 'n' Go, Wash 'n' Go" - Aston Villa fans greet David
'Loreal' Ginola.

39) "I love Italy. I have been lucky to do well against Italian teams. I
love the people here. I come to Sardinia on holidays, my bambini have grown
up here" - Leeds boss David O'Leary. It's not clear if the bambini in
question are O'Leary's children or the playing staff of Leeds United.

38) "I tried it in Chinese the other night and drew some characters. It
looks good and Victoria was impressed, but I copied it off a Chinese menu 
so
I probably had fried rice, salt and pepper ribs and hot and sour soup over
my arm instead of Victoria" - David Beckham on his 'Victoria' tattoo.

37) "I promise we will be up there with United. I believe that so much that
I will kill myself if we are not challenging them" - Leeds' Olivier Dacourt
raises the stakes.

36) "This guy is unbelievable. I'm going to put £100 on him to win the
Eurovision Song Contest" - Scottish comedian Andy Cameron after goal machine
Henrik Larsson's hole in one during Tom Boyd's testimonial golf match.

35) "I like Dundee. It's like Grimsby" - Well intentioned Dundee manager
Ivano Bonetti.

34) "It is now fashionable for expectant fathers to be with their wives at
the birth" - Thoroughly modern Scotland boss Craig Brown explaining the
absence of Billy Dodds for the Croatia game

33) "Wanchope took his goals well and he's a lovely big boy" - Former
Manchester City boss Joe Royle (while still at Maine Road)

32) "We can't risk parking there for fears that they will nick our cars" -
Gillingham boss Andy Hessenthaler fosters relations with the travelling
community. A band of gypsies had set up camp at the Gills training ground.

31) "I can play anywhere on the park. I'm a bit like that in bed, too" -
Liverpool and England's Steven Gerrard, uninvited, conjures up distressing
mental images.

30) "It can't be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays" -
Philosophical Manchester City star (albeit briefly) George Weah

29) "I really like the clothes he wears, apart from my underwear. He keeps
pinching my knickers" - Victoria Beckham on her famous hubby's dress sense.

28) "I don't think it was too much of a blow to us when we lost him. Of
course he made mistakes when he was here and everyone recognised that. He
was a good player but maybe lazy and it was easy to say he made many more
mistakes" - Paolo Di Canio pays, er, tribute to Rio Ferdinand.

27) "It was like a game of roulette and Wigan were holding all the aces" -
Motherwell director Pat Nevin after the English club lured Ged Brannan
south.

26) "More and more footballers' wives will cheat on their husbands because
they are never at home" - Barcelona's Emmanuel Petit reveals his innermost
fears, perhaps too publicly.

25) "Statistics are like miniskirts: they give you good ideas but hide the
important things" - Aberdeen boss Ebbe Skovdahl wishes women would just not
bother wearing clothes at all. Not a smart move in Aberdeen, surely?

24) "I don't know what it's like out there, but it's like an ice rink out
there" - Stockport boss Andy Kilner, who does know what it's like out 
there.

23) "They say Al Capone did some good things in his life. Trouble was, he
would go out in the streets and shoot people. Keane is becoming United's Al
Capone" - Brian Clough compares the ManYoo skipper to a mass murderer.

22) "I've seen some players with very big feet... and some with very small
feet" - David Pleat shows the importance of his years of experience.

21) "Even Mother Teresa would fail a medical the way Spurs conduct them" -
John Hartson's agent Jonathan Barnett is disgusted that Spurs don't reckon
dead nuns and portly Welshmen are fit enough to play for them.

20) "F**k off Coisty!" - Andy Goram gets the wrong end of the stick when 
Sir Alex Ferguson phones to offer him a place on the Manchester United bench.

19) "Drugs? Who needs them? Just come to Leyton Orient. I'm flying. That's
certainly my stimulant and what a night it was. Nights like that are what
football is all about. In celebration we are going to drink from the elixir
of life, here at Brisbane Road, the centre of the universe" - Leyton Orient
supremo Barry Hearn enjoys Orient's play-off semi-final victory over Hull.
Perhaps a little too much. Imagine if they'd won the final!

18) "I was very angry with his tackle on Tomislav Kocijan. That's why I had
a go at him and said I did not like his wife's music" - Sturm Graz
midfielder Roman Mahlich is not best pleased with David Beckham.

17) "I know it was all around the ground but so are the seats." - Brighton
assistant manager Bob Booker reacts hilariously to rumours linking Matt le
Tissier with the Seagulls.

16) "I want the fans to know that before I finish my career we are going to
win something. Otherwise I'll kill myself" - Melodramatic West Ham 
superhero Paolo di Canio.

15) "They are like slugs in a fish tank and need to be stirred into life" -
Crystal Palace manager Alan Smith lays into his own players with one of his
customary colourful metaphors.

14) "Don't tell the police, I'm a bank robber and I'm on the run" -
Quick-thinking West Ham defender Gary Charles reassures a passer-by after
crashing his car while allegedly under the influence.

13) "We are not going to feed those who, as clubs, are inferior to us.
Cardiff City are the Celtic giants, not Glasgow Celtic... Robert Earnshaw 
is worth more than your total club put together. Only three British clubs can
compare with Cardiff City - Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United" -
Bluebirds chairman Sam Hammam responds to Celtic's interest in said young
star Earnshaw. Celtic have 53,000 season ticket holders.

12) "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My
first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing, so instead I rang his brother Jamie, who is also his agent" -
Leicester's Ade Akinbiyi is desperate to congratulate his mate, Wolves
striker George Ndah.

11) "Because of my seven-feet-tall height, and large skeletal frame, I have
been commonly known as wembleystadium.net for many, many years" - Bob
Thomson, who was forced to relinquish the rights to the URL
wembleystadium.net at court.

10) "I don't really like the north. It's always raining, it's very cold and
I don't like all those little houses" - West Ham's Frederic Kanoute doesn't
want to move to a Northern club, which is probably just as well.

9) "Some people come to Old Trafford and I don't think that they can spell
football let alone understand it. They have a few drinks and a prawn
sandwich and don't realise what's going on out on the pitch" - Manchester
United's Roy Keane says what we've all been thinking.

8) "Look at these small fry. I could piss on them" - Eric Cantona upsets
French journalists on TV.

7) "Leeds reminded me of those poor Englishmen who invented football 15
centuries ago when they cut off a Viking's head, put it in a bag and 
started to kick it around." - Spanish journalist Julian Ruiz gets his historical
wires crossed following the first leg of Leeds' European Cup semi-final 
with Valencia.

6) "I was thinking about Youri Djorkaeff and I said to myself 'I'd like to
be a dog.' Dogs are nice. They can sleep any time, they wag their tails and
on top of that they can get stroked all the time" - Barcelona's Emmanuel
Petit likes dogs, y'know.

5) "He swerved to avoid what he thinks was a deer. It all happened so fast.
He also said the animal could have been something smaller like a rabbit" -
Chris Coleman's mate Nigel Greenhalgh after the Fulham star was involved in
a nasty late night car crash.

4) "I would want to keep some reference to Stockport in the name, Man-Stock
County for instance" - Stockport chairman Brendan Elwood immediately 
regrets saying the first thing that comes into his head after proposing County move
to Maine Road and change their name.

3) "I remember so clearly us going into hospital so Victoria could have
Brooklyn. I was eating a Lion bar at the time" - David Beckham gets his
priorities straight.

2) "It's a type of gladiatorial warfare, without the benefit of a closed
safety helmet" - Liverpool's Markus Babbel laments the absence of sturdy
headgear in Premiership football.

And now, the very best quote of the entire season...

1) "Football managers are like a parachutist. At times it doesn't open.
Here, it is an umbrella. You understand, Mary Poppins?" - Chelsea boss and
English student Claudio Ranieri.

Index