A new priest at his 1st mass was so nervous he could hardly 
speak. After 
mass he asked Monsignor how he had done. Monsignor replied, 
"When I am 
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass 
of vodka next 
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a 
sip."

So, the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the 
beginning of 
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then 
proceeded to talk up 
a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found 
the following 
note on his door:

1)	Sip the vodka, don't gulp;
2)	There are 10 commandments, not 12;
3)	There are 12 disciples, not 10;
4)	Jesus was consecrated, not constipated;
5)	Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass;
6)	We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.;
7)	The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to 
                as Daddy, Junior and Spook;
8)	David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of 
                him.
9)	When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his 
                 donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his ass."
10)	We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11)	When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he 
                said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body,"he did not say, 
                "Eat me";
12)	The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the 
                Cherry";
13)	The recommended grace before a meal is not 
                "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God";
14)	Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at 
                St.Peter's, 
	not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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