Wile E. Coyote vs. Acme Co.


In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe,
Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Joan
Kujava, Presiding.

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant

Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states, does hearby bring suit for damages
against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of
assorted merchandise, incorporated in
Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr.
Coyote seeks compensation for personal
injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a
direct result of the actions and/or gross
negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code,
Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a),
relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter,
"Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain
products which did cause him bodily
injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling.
Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as
proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked
Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr.
Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his
profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The
intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit
of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting
his prey in the distance, activated the
ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled
accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body
shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and
neck and placing him unexpectedly astride
the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave
a diminishing jet trail along its path,
the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that
moment the animal he was pursuing
veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow
this maneuver but was unable to, due to
poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent
braking system. Shortly thereafter, the
unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into
collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O.,
details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered
by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision.
Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or
partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he
purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket
Skates. When he attempted to use this
product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar
to that which occurred with the
Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a
product which attached powerful jet
engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no
provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by
his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
strapping them on, and collided with a
roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his
full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with
explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker,
the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb,
etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and
attached deposition, entered in evidence
as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote
performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the
expense of much time and personal effort,
Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough
beginning at the top of the butte and
spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on
the desert floor. The trough was
designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by
Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down
to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a
generous pile of birdseed directly on the X,
and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to
the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's
prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light
the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned
down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught,
the premature detonation of
Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr.
Coyote:

  1.Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle. 
  2.Sooty discoloration. 
  3.Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in
the aftershock with a creaking noise. 
  4.Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 
  5.Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. 

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on
June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been
shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of
the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date,
no explanation has been found for this
product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant,
this product is simplicity itself: two
wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high
tensile strength and compressed in a
tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr.
Coyote believed that this product would
enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase,
when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a
large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's
prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote
put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in
readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to
the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
appear on the path coming toward him.
Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the
springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote
gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead,
for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring- Powered Shoes thrust the
boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the
intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then
the twin springs recoiled, bringing
Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full
weight of his head and forequarters falling
upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A
second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was
roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding
to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote
came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder cam into contact with
Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact
with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for
some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium,
sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and
upper body, and compression of vertebrae
from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis
produced a series of regular horizontal folds in
Mr. Coyote's body tissues-- a rare and painful condition which caused
Mr. Coyote to expand upward and
contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key,
accordionlike wheezing with every step.
The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major
impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit
of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by
Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its
market advantage to the detriment of the
consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust
Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has
no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder
what our trading partners in Western
Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company
is allowed to victimize the consumer
in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive
damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr.
Coyote seeks actual damages (missed
meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one
million dollars; general damages
(mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and
attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court
will censure Defendant, its directors,
officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language
they understand, and reaffirm the right of the
individual predator to equal protection under the law.

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