A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you 
take
off all of your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her
clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and
flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her 
boyfriend
are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies,"I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch
with that and go get help from the gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas
station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the
attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with
some astonishment, "I think it's too late -- he's too far in!!!"


A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, he hears the
most amazing piano music being played. He thinks it is the most wonderful
music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist.
"I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful."
"Thank you very much" says the pianist.
"I've never heard this song before, what is it called?"
"I called it 'I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits'"
"Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it. I must say though, that I'm
having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it.
Perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be
playing - my guests wouldn't approve."
"No problem" says the pianist.
Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and
he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most
dreadful music the guy has ever heard.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy.
"I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank."
"A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are
here."
"I know but I can't play well until I've had one."
"OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just
get back here as soon as you can."
Ten minutes later the pianist comes back from the bathroom, sits down at 
the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to.
After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but do you
know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your trousers?"
"Know it?" he says, "I wrote it."

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