There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she
decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.
It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX
After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a
ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms
and legs.
"What do you want?" she asks.
"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run 
away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."
"What about the sex?" she says.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"


Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by
and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had
a little stroke.
The third little old lady would have had a stroke................
but her arms weren't quite long enough.


A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants
to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter
to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate
with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care
if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers
and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating
boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?


In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a
French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, 
my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about see size... I was talkeeng about see flavour..."

Co-worker approached a man at lunch who invited him out for a few beers
after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does
not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home
tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull 
down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me,
she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night, he snack into the house, slid downs under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with
pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so 
he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the
bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife
sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!" she replied, "You'll wake-up my mother!"

Index