Q & A Jokes and One Liners
Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old
enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: What do the gynaecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance
Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A: A Gladiator.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the
other is used to carry groceries.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
Q: Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A: Because "pot holder" was already taken.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you recycle toilet paper?
A: Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.
Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
A: To meet chicks.
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at
the jail?
A: "Stop playing with my lunch."
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you:
(1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
I will be honest. My dick is the same size as a kindergartener. About 4
feet.
Q: What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones ?
A: Mobile phones are for ass holes.
Q: How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
A: Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery,
I
would be able to play the banjo.
He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blow job?
A: You'll never hear a guy getting a bj say "slow down, stop, BITE YOU
COCKSUCKER!"
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak).
The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace.
Q: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: 'Cos. once you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are
left with is a greasy box!
Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid .........yes?
Well bubbles is back in town and he'd love to see you.
Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina?
A: A woman.
Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhoea?
A: A salad shooter...........
Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
A: Because he's the only Queen who gives a fuck.
Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every
night??
A: Hanson.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you
done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer home.
Amazingly, the woman who brought charges against Marv Albert has announced
that she wants to be sports caster.
NBC gave her an audition but she sucked.
Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.
Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a man?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What has four legs and eight arms?
A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.
Q: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because if they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him/her?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.
Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your
life!
Q: What do you call a woman that just lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Single!
Q: What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A. So you can floss after eating.
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of
you.
Q: How are men and parking spaces a lot alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the rest are "handicapped."
Q: Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.
Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
A: They both dig dead people's holes
Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls!
Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year!
Q: What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady
Godiva?
A: The former is a hunt on the course.....
Q: What do Chris Farley and Michael Kennedy have in common?
A: They both died on white powder.
Q: Did you hear about the prostitute with the collostomy?
A: She wanted to make a little money on the side.
Q: What's the difference between a choirmaster and a baby?
A: A baby sucks his fingers.
Sonny Bono becomes latest member of the ow! pine ski team
Q: What kind of tree did Kennedy hit?
A: 14 year old virgin fir
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What do you call a used tampon floating in a river?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: What did President Clinton say when asked, 'Did you have sex with Paula
Jones?'
A: He replied, 'That's not entirely true. She never inhaled.'
Q: What is the difference between a cowboy hat and a syphillitic penis?
A: A cowboy hat is Western Felt (festering welt)
Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this |----------------------| is 12
inches.
Q: How do you satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It takes a village.
Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Cos. women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q: What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
A: A seagull flits along the shore.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your
house and car with them.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton do right after she shaves her pussy?
A: She sends him to work
Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
Q: Why do they call it P.M.S.???
A: Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: What do you call a truck driver with a load of sheep headed for Montana?
A: A pimp.
Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What do you call a redneck who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only child.
It's always been small.....
One time I put it in a girl's hand, and she said, "Paul, you know I don't
get high..."
Q: What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.
Q: What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A: A blind person with a rubic's cube.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out.
Q: What do you call a Florida gynaecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails...
Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said, "You
know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbours."
To which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then....."
Q: Did you hear about the "guilty nanny diet?"
A: A few healthy shakes for breakfast & lunch and a veggie for dinner.
Q: Why did God create woman?
A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q: Why are men and like spray paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that
there's nothin' special......we just flat out tell em they're gonna
die.............
Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?
A. Militia Etheridge
Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knight stick and a
magician's wand?
A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
Q: What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and apologise.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys
asked,
"What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of
house and home."
Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: They've each got about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a
human
being.
Q: Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
A: He can't go into a cubicle alone.
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of
beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is
planned."
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: How can you tell if your wife's cooking is really lousy?
A: Pygmies from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
Index