More Handy Hints/Top Tips
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on
when their guide dog isn't looking.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.
Fed up with oral sex? Stop your girlfriend from giving you blow jobs by
marrying her.
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.
Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of vodka in
your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout
the day.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the
head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided 
tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day (the day after
Christmas for our US readers. They may find the offer of cold turkey
embarrassing or offensive.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following 
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by 
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under
the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you
want to speak.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding 2 bottles of bleach, then 
urinating into it before jumping in.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
Toblerone chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This
would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name
plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the
job.

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