Handy Hints - Top Tips
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you
have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Girls: Too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Attempt your own corrective laser eye surgery by removing the back of your
CD player and then staring into it whilst it is turned on.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by
simply applying White-Out to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's
arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of 
putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it 
repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise 
will correspond with the number of lives that remained.
Transform your garage into a drive-through restaurant by sitting in your
car, lowering your window and demanding that your wife/girlfriend brings 
you a cup of tea, on roller skates.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom
in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of 
the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking
them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through
their reply.

Index