The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, two grim-faced
policemen greeted him at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really
great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we 
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what
the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound
lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens 
demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"


A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't
understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens,
and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He 
says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I 
asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't
handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and
circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "Son, everything inside
this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

Index