A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan 
me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to
gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the
side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it
into the car.
She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the
final test.
So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk
in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take
this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. 
Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and
says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail."
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up
the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells 
the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "You
fail."
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The
director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking,
furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes
tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After
three shots I realised that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke
the bitch to death."

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available.
The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said,
"Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the
game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought
these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came
alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family
member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

Index