An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a
bit of a problem with your husband."
wife.. "What's wrong?"
u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor Mortise
sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we
can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem
which is a little less expensive?"
The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury
him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."
wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to
see the body immediately before the funeral."
u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows 
the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin,
wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. 
The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife
alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.
She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of
the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if
anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she
bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?"

A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago
that I lost my dear wife and children.
I'll never forget that game of cards...

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young 
wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy night-gown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice,
tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to
Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips
like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my
wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch,
you wrecked my life.'"

Index