Little Johnny (and Billy, Timmy etc.) Jokes
Dirty Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200
bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house
and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"
Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about
that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with
all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy
said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you
were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was
coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell
their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The
teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your
eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take
the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the
12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy
replies,
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a
case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the
case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke,
so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event
that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked
Little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day,
so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
Now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close
to being a turd."
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