Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married
The ceremony  was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no
bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's bloody heavy."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost
an electron.'  The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse" "How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!

What Ticks on the wall?
Ticky Paper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up
to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind drove a tractor and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."


Getting worse...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.
"But  why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."

 

Index