*******************************************
"If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?"
*************************************
"Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy,
man!" is a compliment?"
*************************************
"How come if a girl you don't know offers to go down on you, you say
'Yes.' But if a guy offers to go down on a girl, she says, 'Police!'"
*************************************
Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it doesn't split when you fuck it.
**********
Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A: Nothing.
**********
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped.
**********
Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
**********
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
*************************************
Q: Why is it such a drag to screw a cow?
A: You have to climb down from the stool and walk around to the front,
every time you want to kiss it.
**********
Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A: A sheep.
**********
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.
**********
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
*************************************
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea.
**********
A man was digging in his garden when his next door neighbour approached
him and asked, "What are you doing?".
"Burying my goldfish"; the man replied.
"That's a big hole for a goldfish.", said the neighbor.
"Yeah, well, it's inside your fuckin cat
*********************************************
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. "
*************************************
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
*************************************
"Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good."
*************************************
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there."
*************************************
"Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason."
*************************************
"It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
*************************************
"I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though."
*************************************
"You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster."
*************************************
"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first."
*************************************
Q: How can you tell when a girl is a redneck?
A: She can chew tobacco and suck cock at the same time, and know what to
spit and what to swallow!
**********************
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who broke her nose on a steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
**********************
This woman goes to visit a psychiatrist and he immediately throws her on
the couch and fucks her brains out. After he gets his rocks off, he
says:" Well, that takes care of my problem; what's yours?
**********************
Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing. "
**********************
How about the Jewish game show?
"The price is too high. "
********
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
*************************************
"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat
you with experience."
*************************************
"After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before."
*************************************
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it."
*************************************
A girl and a boy were at the back of a movie theater, kissing
passionately. When they came up for air, the boy says, "I really love
kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?"
To this, the girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
**************************
Q: Two homosexual guys jump off the top of a very tall building.
Which one his the ground first?
A. Who gives a fuck?
**************************
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from
surgery...
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Calm down. The reason you can't feel them is because we've had
to amputate both your arms.
**************************
Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.
**************************
Q: Where does Princess Diana do her shopping?
A: Nowhere, she's dead.
*************************************
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt
once in a while too.
**************************
Q: What does a redneck say after sex?
A: Thanks Mom.
**************************
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese.
**************************
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
*************************************
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you."
*************************************
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?"
*************************************
Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
A: Because he's in a wheelchair.
************
Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
*************************************
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your
vagina?"
"Fuck off, no your can't smell my vagina!!!
"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
************
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy
Index