NEW COMPANY POLICIES:
 
 SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
 We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
 sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
 come to work.
 
 SURGERY:
 Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee
 here, you need all your organs. You should not consider
 removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
 removed constitutes a breach of employment.
 
 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
 This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can
 do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort
 should be made to have non-employees attend to the
 arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is
 necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
 afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
 lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided you
 share of the work is done enough to keep the job going in your
 absence.
 
 YOUR OWN DEATH:
 This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at
 least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your
 replacement.
 
 REST ROOM USE:
 Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
 future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
 order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go
 from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will
 go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your
 time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when
 your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
 swap their time with a coworker. In writing, both employees'
 supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is
 now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
 three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll
 will retract, and the stall door will open.
 
 PAYCHECK GUIDE:
 The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
 employees better understand their paychecks:
 
     Item           Amount
 
     Gross pay      $1,212.02
 
     Income tax     $244.40
     Outgo tax      $45.21
     State tax      $11.61
     Interstate tax $61.10
     County tax     $6.11
     City tax       $12.22
     Rural tax      $4.44
     Back tax       $1.91
     Front tax      $1.16
     Side tax       $1.61
     Up tax         $2.24
     Tic-Tacs       $2.98
     Thumbtacks     $3.93
     Carpet tacks   $1.98
 
     Stadium tax    $2.69
 
     Flat tax       $8.32
 
     Surtax         $3.46
 
     Corporate tax  $2.60
 
     Parking fee    $7.00
 
     FICA       $81.88
 
     TGIF Fund  $9.95
 
     Life insurance $7.85
 
     Health insurance $17.23
 
     Dental insurance $5.50
 
     Mental insurance $5.33
 
     Disability       $3.50
 
     Ability          $1.25
 
     Liability        $3.41
 
     Unreliability    $10.99
 
     Coffee           $16.85
 
     Coffee Cups      $66.51
 
     Floor rental     $16.85
 
     Chair rental     $1.32
 
     Desk rental      $14.32
 
     Union dues       $25.85
 
     Union don'ts     $3.77
 
     Cash advance     $0.69
 
     Cash retreats    $121.35
 
     Overtime         $1.26
 
     Undertime        $54.83
 
     Eastern time     $9.00
 
     Central time     $8.00
 
     Mountain time    $7.00
 
     Pacific time     $6.00
 
     Time Out         $12.21
 
     Oxygen           $10.02
 
     Water            $16.54
 
     Heat             $51.42
 
     Cool air         $26.83
 
     Hot air          $28.13
 
     Miscellaneous    $113.29
 
     Sundry           $14.09
 
     Various          $8.01
 
     Net Take Home Pay   $6.02
 
 
     Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
     provide a positive employment experience. All questions,
     comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
     aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
     contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed
     elsewhere.
 
     Have a nice week.
 
 
     Your Boss

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