Thoughts, Philosophy & Quotes from George Carlin

   - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
   - One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
   - Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
   - If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
     and apes?
   - If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
   - The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
     bad girls live.
   - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ?Where's the
     self-help section?? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
   - If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
   - If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
     is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
   - If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, 
     is it considered a hostage situation?
   - Is there another word for synonym?
   - Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
   - Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
   - Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'
   - Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
   - What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an 
     endangered plant?
   - If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
   - Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone 
   will clean them?
   - If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
   - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
   - If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
   remain silent?
   - Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
   - What was the best thing before sliced bread?
   - One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
   - Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
   - Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
   - How is it possible to have a civil war?
   - If God dropped acid, would he see people?
   - If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
   - If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
   - If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
   - Whose cruel idea was it for the word ?Lisp? to have an ?S? in it?
   - Why are haemorrhoids called ?haemorrhoids? instead of ?asteroids??
   - Why is it called ?the tourist season? if we can't shoot at them?
   - Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
   - Where are we going? And what's with this handcart?
   - Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
   going as ghosts but as mattresses?
   - Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
   - How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
   - How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

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