A man walks naked into a doctors with a steering wheel attached to his
testicles. "Hey Doc", he says, "could you take this off, its driving me
nuts?"
Two Aerials meet on a roof fall in love get married. The ceremony was
rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste
funny to you?'
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
"Doctor, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an
electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm
positive...'
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!
What's grey, has big ears, and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday
And finally......
This bloke is working as a bus conductor, collecting tickets. He rings
the bell for the driver to set off just when there is a woman half
getting on the bus.
The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas
he is sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner
grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's
eaten it.
When the mans finished, the executioner flips the switch sending
hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still
alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go ?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before.
"The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses
selling tickets.
Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still
getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair
up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks
the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the
condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.
The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the
smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The
executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell
whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He
is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the world's electricity to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed
lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin
included.
The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion
volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat
there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can
still be alive after all that." He strokes his chin. "Its something
to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor"
Index