HORROR-SCOPES
   
   
    Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 22)
    You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
    lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you
    are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
   
    Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
    You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You
    are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing
    but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
   
    Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
    You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed
    by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and
    people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
    general dipshit.
   
    Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
    You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
    and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded.
    You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
   
    Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
    You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
    you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
    This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving
    on incest.
   
    Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
    You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
    which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That
    is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
    Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
   
    Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
    You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an
    idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
    Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
    motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
   
    Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
    You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking
    attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
    unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
   
    Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
    You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
    reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
    employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are
    whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
   
    Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
    You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and
    cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
    total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
    Scorpios are murdered.
   
    Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
    You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency
    to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of
    Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
   
    Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
    You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
    chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
    You should kill yourself.

Index