Dear Valued Bank Manager,
 
  I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
  endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
  nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the
  arrival
  in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to
  the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
  I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be
  commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
  debiting
  my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to
  your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
  incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have
  set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
  relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
  restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
  attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no
  greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
  To
  this end, please be advised about the following changes.
 
  First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
  calls
  and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
  impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your
  bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
  flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore
  and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
  check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of
  your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
  offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
  envelope.
  Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I
  require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
  pages,
  but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
  about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
  her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
  that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
  assets
  and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 
  In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
  he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
  shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
  button
  presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
  service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
  Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
  new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
  Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
  have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
  automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be
  guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
  1. To make an appointment to see me;
  2. To query a missing repayment;
  3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;
  4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of
  living room
      to be communicated at the time the call is received;
  5. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am still sleeping.
      Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is
      received;
  6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
  Extension
  of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
  7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
  8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word
  to access my computer is required. Pass word will be communicated at a
  later date to the contact.
  9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
 
  The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
  automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
  lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
  I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
 
  Oh, the banks are made of marble
  With a guard at every door
  And the vaults are filled with silver
  That the miners sweated for!
 
  After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know
  it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As
  your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
  comes at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass
  on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First,
  there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read
  for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be
  billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to
  my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
  dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service
  runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so
  you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
 
  Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
  establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
  May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
 
  Your humble client?

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