Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy
all yeer.
  YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist. How 'bout I send you a f**king book so you can learn to read 
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space
ranger, at least HE can spell!
   Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your
house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for; my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane,son! Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into 
our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
Ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad
just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
     Sweet Dreams!
     Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my
face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my
cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa


Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when 
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do,
you're going to make some man very happy. I'm skipping your house, dumb 
ass.
Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Index