Calling tech support !!!
Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you,
so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time
is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product
identification number on to your telephone, followed by your
product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment
inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed
in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen.
Please note that you made need a zize 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which
may only be available from your original equipment manufaturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend
that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some
point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer
manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the
technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to
your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer --
and threw away your original packing materials, please call the
company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the
empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted
paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in
line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered.
(yeah right !)
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while
explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats
will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from
further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours
but that of every other electronics-related firm in the
industrialized world. (we all talk you know)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support.
In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful
to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical
Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your
telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the
letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase:
"I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements
to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes
your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it
anyway.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two
hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician
about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting
his
valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to
plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing
the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but
who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
7. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good,
solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians
can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much
greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to
call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware
that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular
CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling
Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the
Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles
read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now.
This will not cause you to lose your place in line for
Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several
other callers.
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have
lost your place in line. Please push "one" if you would like to be
connected again to technical Support.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of
food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your
telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer
so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical
Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of
registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact
us should any further technical problems arise.
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