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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard."
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Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks,"says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go"Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and 
put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books.
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were 
chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said 
"Yes, this my livelihood."
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a 
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that 
was nice.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an 
ice-cream".
"He said Hundreds & thousands?" I said "We'll start with one."

He said "Knickerbocker glory?"
I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."
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I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?"
I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."
I said "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?" I said (camply) "Make your mind up."
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual".
And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house.

"He said "I'm not stopping you."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to 
you?"
And I said "I careered off the road.

 

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