A few one liners:

          I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have
          nothing to play with.
    
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           A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
           nobody home."  I went over. Nobody was home.
    
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           During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
           night she called me  from a hotel.
    
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           Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt
           and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
           I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
    
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           I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the
           cat kept covering me up.
    
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            I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
            toaster and a radio.
    
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           I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told
           me that she only liked me as a friend.
    
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           I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who
           came with his wallet.
    
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           When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
           to my father........ I'm very sorry......We did everything we
           could......But he pulled through.
    
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           I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...  AFTER I was born.
    
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           I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
           finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
    
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           My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.
    
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           I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking 
           how big I'd get.
    
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           I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
           look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
           He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
    
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           I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
           pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
    
   

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  A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
  An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to
  concede their position.
    
  As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
  sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
    
  "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
    
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  A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
  frequencies.  So, this was his first time approaching a field during
  the nighttime.  Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he
  said:"Guess who?"
    
  The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
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  A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car
  broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and
  revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by
  the medics.
    
  Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
    
  He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete
  slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign... and somebody was
  standing in front of the S!..."

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