A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide

1. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad
or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed
necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned
mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's
going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the
gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament
while you're driving with them to the place.

4. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made
from deceased companions.

5. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to
start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll
have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

6. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or
shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn
around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

7. Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.

8. Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

9. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster,
so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to
be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

10. If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their
minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT
call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves
and will turn you in or B) will not believe you, and laugh at you.

11. (1) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look
like eggs, leave them alone.

12. (2) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite
attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule),
don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.

13. (3) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of
disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for
the ship's cat.

14. If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't
despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as
chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

15. While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

16. Never pick up the phone and call for help; chances are your phone will
be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some
sort of sharp object.

17. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera;
if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

18. (1) Your dog can take care of itself...
(2) So can your spouse...
(3) And your kids.

19. If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

20. When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your
gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monster's head.

21. Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any
loved ones will get you killed.

22. Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

23. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car,
the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demon-possessed.
Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to
go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

24. If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny
teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or
absorbed. So cheer up!

25. When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever
possible. Preferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.

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