If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to
get to the tape?  Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how
could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a 
few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is
dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're nerver in
darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just
didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 
miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train
stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the 
applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter
side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
If a man speaks and their is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other
trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would
anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all
still working?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a
yellow?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If God sneezes...what should you say?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit 
while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he
automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the iside of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they 
call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped
differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings,
why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver
end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you
plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects
in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, 
will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still
grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Isn't it a little scary that a doctors work is called practice?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their
stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered
plants?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done
wiping their butt? When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat
themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown 
away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why 
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Who named everything?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do feet smell and noses run, yet noses smell and feet run?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep
after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does
"cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigions?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named
after?  Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn 
down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?

Index