Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
 "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
 bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
 have been heard or reported:

 "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
 only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

 "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you
 must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will
 escort you to the wing of the airplane.

 "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
 smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
 immediately."

 Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
 so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
 to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
 till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
 the wings it affects the flight pattern."

 And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
 Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
 as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to
 cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
 to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
 attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is
 equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
 cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
 seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
 at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
 aircraft."

 As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
 National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
 big fella. WHOA!"

 After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
 Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
 announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
 compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
 hell everything has shifted."

 From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
 Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
 insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
 works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
 how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
 unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
 pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
 screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
 have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
 before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
 small children, decide now which one you love more.

 Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
 clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
 arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
 money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
 event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
 our compliments."

 Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
 our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat
 belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come
 back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
 flight."

 "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
 from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
 mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
 like children."

 "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
 your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
 evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
 children or spouses."

 "Last one off the plane must clean it."

 And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
 pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
 industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this
 flight...!

 Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
 in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
 intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what
 ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
 airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
 flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

 Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
 Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
 final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
 After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
 on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
 Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
 fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
 airplane to the gate!"

 Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
 landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
 Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
 hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
 had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
 the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
 "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
 his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
 in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
 comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this
 little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
 if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,
 "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were
 we shot down?"

 After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
 Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
 remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
 brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
 gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
 bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
 your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

 Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
 like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
 next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
 the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
 of us here at US Airways."

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