WORDSMITHING
 
 The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in
 which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various
 words.  The following were some of the winning entries:
 
 Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
 
 Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
 Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
 
 Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
 Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
 
 Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
 answer the door in your nightie.
 
 Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
 
 Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
 Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
 
 Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
 
 Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
 you are run over by a steamroller.
 
 Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
 
 Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for
 the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the
 priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
 
 Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
 proctologist immediately before he examines you.
 
 Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington who have been jerked
 around by the mayor.
 
 Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
 expressions.
 
 Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
 
 Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
 up on the roof and gets stuck there.
 
 The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to
 take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting
 or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are some
 recent winners:
 
 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
 reader who doesn't get it.
 
 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
 
 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
 
 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
 
 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
 really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
 like a serious bummer.
 
 Glibido: All talk and no action.
 
 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
 when they come at you rapidly.
 
 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
 lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 
 And, best of all...
 Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Index