Big Brother!

Day 1 - null admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of null. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, null is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although null later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. null creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. null hits him with a null.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of null out of null. After much persuasion by null, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the null task is well under way. However havoc ensues when null, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the null. null is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the null task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when null farts and blows null over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. null cries.

6 - null gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, null admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a null. null says he never wears condoms because they make his null sore and null agrees. null goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. null sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up null.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. null goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. null and null are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for null.

9 - null and null are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. null sings them a song - null - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote null out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. null leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with null's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. null has to make do without the cucumber she requested. null is visibly depressed and is comforted by null, who tries to touch her on her null.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of null touching null's null over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that null refuses to run because his null hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. null finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. null calls null a lazy null.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. null tells everyone individually that he thinks null is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. null and null are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for null.

16 - The nominations are announced. null can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. null is equally stunned and turns to null for comfort. null is distraught and confesses to null that he thinks he is in love with null. null says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote null out of the house. null says she is gutted and even gives null a clipping of hair from her null to prove how much she cares. null is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. null leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of null clipping the hair from her null. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of null in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of null sounds like but null says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose null as the one who must complete the task.

21 - null successfully burps not only the National Anthem of null but also God Save The Queen, null and the theme tune to null. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and null tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. null and null are nominated.

23 - null and null take their nominations well and sit down with null and null to discuss why they voted for them. null keeps quiet but null accuses null of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred null before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote null out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. null leaves.

25 - null becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of null's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of null dung using only a null. null is unsure but null is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, null breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the null incident from his childhood. null tries to persuade him to stay but null sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. null decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the null dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by null from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. null asks null to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly null nominates null to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does null.

30 - When the nomination is announced, null graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that null is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. null takes his Ł70,000 and runs away to null. Nobody, including null, ever sees him again.

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