Scouse Olympics
   In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
   committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2008, the 
   organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of
   events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
   Opening Ceremony The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native 
   of the city (preferably from the Toxteth area), wearing the traditional
   costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn 
   for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of
   the stadium.
   

   The Events
   In previous Olympics games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
   particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
   events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
   100 Metres Sprint
   Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven 
   (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
   will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
   100 Metres Hurdles
   As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden,
   fences, walls etc.
   Hammer Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
   use (claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
   grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
   Fencing Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and 
   jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
   Shooting
   A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
   first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the 
   competitors will aim at a post office clerk, a bank teller or a wages delivery
   guard.
   Boxing
   Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
   will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
   Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
   gets home. The bout will then commence.
   Cycling Time Trials
   Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
   take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country 
   on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
   Cycling Pursuit
   As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
   Australian rugby team who will witness the theft. Modern Pentathlon Amended to
   include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy, riding, and
   arson.
   Swimming
   Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the
   first three survivors back will decide the medals.
   Men's 50Km Walk
   Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
   guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
   The Closing Ceremony
   Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of 
   the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
   brick throwing and music from the Toxteth reggae band. The Olympic 
   flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto 
   it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The
   stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and
   remove all of the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

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