The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads

FIRST THE WOMEN 40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking........  Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.......  Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure.....  Medicated
Free spirit............. Substance user 
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut 
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose 
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only 
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud 
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat 
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light 
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches sports
Average looking.......   Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............  Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Index