What's long,  Scouse,  and goes around corners?
The Dole queue.


Why is the Anfield grass so green?
Because every week they put millions of pounds of shit on it.


Why did Gerard Houllier go to Argos?
It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.


Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter
said  he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God
instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.  A few minutes
later,  Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The
Pearly Gates!"


What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
Big Mac please.


Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.


Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?


What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The accused.


What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.


What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.


If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.


A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a
Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and
started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually
he  got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead.
A  passing reporter commented: that was f@cking 
fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about
this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's 
life?,
"i'm not a Utd fan"  replied the bloke.
"well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said  the reporter.
"I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero,
" I'm from Liverpool".
"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper  tomorrow"
said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day
to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!


One day, Paul Ince is being chauffeured home in Cheshire, when his
driver  swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a strange looking beast on the
side  of the road, killing it instantly. On inspection of the creature,
neither  the driver nor Ince knew what the animal was, but it was wearing a
collar.  All the collar read was "THE TWAT" with an owners
address. When they arrive at their destination, Ince suggests to the driver
that he should go back to the farm house and apologize for the accident and
offer to pay for the damages. Three hours later, the driver returns, with
all his
clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the
other, and swaying left to right as he walked. "What happened?" asks Ince.
"Well," said the driver, "when I told him, the farmer gave me this
bottle,  his wife gave me this cigar,and the his beautiful 19 year old
daughter made passionate love to me!"    "Bloody hell" said Ince "What exactly
did  you tell them?" "I said, Hi, I'm Paul Ince's driver and I just killed
the twat!"


What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!


Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make
sure  that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence.
One  gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work,
to  which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh shit, it's stopped...no,
it's OK...stopped again..."

Index