Now get this... I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the
number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. I had transposed the last two
digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills, or had
a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer and
I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop
calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I
dialed his number, then heard his voice,"Hello." I
made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went,
"No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The
reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to
show you how if there's ever anything really bothering
you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863
............
[***Keep reading, it gets better.]
This old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she
was ever going to leave.Finally,her car began to move
and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room
to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the
parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into
her space.I started honking my horn and yelling, "You
can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass; there sure
a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had
a"For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days
later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and
yelling,
"You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I
have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy
with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call
this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and
said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow
house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's
your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to
catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell
you something?"
"Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the
phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my
speed dialer.
For a while, things seemed to be going better for
me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call.
Then, after several months
of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it
just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up
with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I
didn't hang up. The jackass said," Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said,
"What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He
said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street.
It's a yellow house." "I'm coming over right now,
Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah,
like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I
said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" "I'll kick your
butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I
told them I was
at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to
kill my gay lover as
soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel
13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
34th Street to watch the whole thing.
It was Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking
the crap out of
each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police
helicopter was one of
the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
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