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  How to Please Your I.C.S. Department
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  1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be
sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and
we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse
of yours.
 
  2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play
back the error messages from here.
 
  3. When an I.C.S. person says he's coming right
over, go for coffee.
 That  way you won't be there when we need your
password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen
saver passwords.
 
  4. When you call the help desk, state what you
want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't
need to know that you can't get into your mail because
your computer won't power on at all.
 
  5. When I.C.S. support sends you an E-Mail with
high importance, delete it at once. We're just
testing.
 
  6. When an I.C.S. person is eating lunch at his
desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We
exist only to serve.
 
  7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail
server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
 
  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it.
 
  9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at
home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone
line from here.
 
  10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to
get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
 
  11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump
it on an I.C.S. person's chair with no name, no phone
number and no description of the problem. We love a
puzzle.
 
  12. When an I.C.S. person tells you that computer
screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love
a good argument.
 
  13. When an I.C.S. person tells you that he'll be
there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And
just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That
motivates us.
 
  14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at
least 20 times.
    Print jobs frequently get sucked into black
holes.
 
  15. When the printer still won't print after 20
tries, send the job to
  all 68 printers in the company. One of them is
bound to work.
 
  16. Don't learn the proper name for anything
technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy
blew up".
 
  17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for
wimps.
 
  18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the
framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and
stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
 
  19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work,
blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually
very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail
clippings in them.
 
  20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?"
click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if
you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
 
  21. When you find an I.C.S. person on the phone
with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk
and stare at him until he hangs up.
  We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
 
  22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't
know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind
at all hearing our area of professional expertise
referred to as crap.
 
  23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in
a printer, call I.C.S. support. Changing a toner
cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only
by a professional engineer with a master's degree in
nuclear physics.
 
  24. When something's the matter with your computer,
ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the
challenge of having to deal with a third party who
doesn't know anything about the problem.
 
  25. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send
it to everyone as a  mail attachment. We've got lots
of disk space on that mail server.
 
  26. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs
down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a
chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
 
  27. When you lose your car keys, send an email to
the entire company.  People out in Pofadder like to
keep abreast of what's going on.
 
  28. When you bump into an I.C.S. person at the
grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question.
We do weekends.
 
  29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers
around on your own.  Computer names are just a
cosmetic feature.
 
  30. When you bring your own personal home PC for
repair at the office, leave the documentation at home.
We'll find all the settings and
 drivers somewhere.
 
  31. Keep it crashing!

Index