Bad Taste Jokes

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said
he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him
to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

Two queers, Roger and Colin, are walking through London Zoo one day when
they come across the "Rwandan Silverback Gorilla" cage. Sitting upright just
inside the bars is an eight foot muscle bound Silverback Gorilla and Colin;
being as gay as you like; can't help but notice its massive, thick penis
hanging there.
"Ooooooh....Look at the donger on him, Roger !" Squeals Colin excitedly
"I've never had one that size in my hand before !" Unable to contain
himself, he reaches through the bars and strokes the apple sized bell-end of
the ape. Roger tries to pull his boyfriend away but its too late.......the
gorilla's shovel like hands clasp Colin's wrist and yank him through the
bars, into the cage. Roger screams in a gay fashion as Colin is dragged into
the gorillas bamboo hut. Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very very
very rough bout of anal sex with the Silverback. Roger covers his ears to
block Colin's screams and runs to get help. It takes three and a half hours
for the Zoo Staff to lure the ape out and fire a tranquilliser
dart at its arse. They call an ambulance and Colin is rushed to hospital
for major ring piece surgery. A few days later Roger decides to visit his
gay pal Colin in Hospital as he hears that he's regained consciousness.
Colin is in his bed, crying his eyes out when Roger walks in. "How are you
feeling darling ?" asks Roger quietly.
"Awful !" whimpers Colin "That fucking gorilla shagged my arse rotten!
>"Does it hurt ?" asked Roger
"HURT ?" replies Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks "HURT?.......HE HASN'T
CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN....OF COURSE IT BLOODY HURTS

Bloke driving along in the car, when he gets pulled over by plod.
Police Officer says "Having you been drinking sir?"
Driver replies "Why, Is there a fat bird in the passenger seat!"

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after
his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some
eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items
at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her
place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual
about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know."
He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go
to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of
the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea.... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"

A no-good husband had been laying out, drinking and chasing women, then came
home about 3am. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up with a plan...
he'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral sex on the wife.
THAT always made her happy. Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom,
slipped quietly over to the bed and did the oral sex. She sleepily moaned
and groaned, so he knew everything was ok.
Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he flipped
on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wife sitting on the toilet!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" He yells!
"shhhh", she whispered..."you'll wake Mother!"

After the Great British Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey
Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
"The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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