~ Diary of a Mad Shoveler or A Texan Moves to Wisconsin ~

December  8:  6:00 P.M. It started to snow The first
snowfall of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and
sat for hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift
down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic.  We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December  9:  We awoke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I have ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I
did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry. We
will definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end
of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that is possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14:  Snow, lovely snow! Eight degrees last
night. The temperature dropped to minus twenty.  The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplow came back in the afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't realize that I would have
to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back
in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.

December 15:  20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and
two extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer too. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think she is
silly.  After all, we aren't in Alaska.

December 16:  Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear
on the ice in the driveway while I was trying to put down
salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think she's
very cruel.

December 17:  Still way below freezing. Roads are too
icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
the wife and try not to irritate her. I guess I should have bought
a wood stove, but I won't admit that to her. God, I hate it when she
is right.  Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.

December 20:  Electricity's back on, but had another
14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid
to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think
they are lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I will have to shovel
or the city will bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so
cold it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By
the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel.
I tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for
the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's
lying.

December 23:  Only 2" of snow today. And, it warmed up
to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning.
What is she.....nuts???  Why didn't she tell me to do
that a month ago. She said she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:  6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow,
I broke the shovel. I though I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his family jewels. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and than he comes down the
street at a 100 miles and hour and throws snow all over where I
have just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols
with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
darn snowplow.

December 25:  Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the
darned slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God, I hate the snow.  Then, the snowplow driver came
by and asked for a donation and I hit him over the head with my
shovel. The wife says I have  bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If
I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going
to kill her.

December 26:  Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever
move here?
It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:  Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes
froze.

December 28:  Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in.
The wife is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:  10 more inches of snow. Bob says I have
to shovel the roof or it will collapse. That's the silliest thing I
have ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?????

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is
suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:  Set fire to what was left of the house.
No more shoveling.
Author Unknown

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