Primary School Football

Hope this brings back as many memories for you as it did for me...

Duration

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell,
and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may
continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or
"bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to
latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a sliding scale of
nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings,
known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they
estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from
the staffroom, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang
on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "bampots".
This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a
match in progress, often having dramatic effe cts on the scoreline as the number
of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking
the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order
that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime,
for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of
five bampots against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the
previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the
field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be
resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).


Parameters

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in
lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match,
depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the
number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the
pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on th e inside, nearest the
goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the
sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will
often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth
be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile
and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of
the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be
undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination. In the absence
of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly
above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed
between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary
adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his
decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to
stretch a point. There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects
denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to
roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or
touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall.
Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should
begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and
should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before
the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered
foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for
the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on
goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the
ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be
distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by
the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the
attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and
lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as
far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing
area is "no' a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a
wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is
the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly
as he places the ball.


The Ball

There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I
shall describe three notable examples.

1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the
early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst.
Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's Premier
Leag ue sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor,
low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game. Disadvantages:
over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to control,
almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to return.

2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On the
verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not
for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind
of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed
with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown
up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to
catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.

3. The "Tubey". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over colouring.
Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete, but
owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially keepers.
Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying "whump" noise
when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball when wet, smells like
a dead dog.


Offside

There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size pitch", and
two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an
offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang
around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end,

awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper
before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the
air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as
"poachers", "gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display a
remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of
their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates' failure
to appreciate the contribution they have ma de. They know that it can be for
nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly
despised.


Adjudication

The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the
opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted
ways of doing this.

1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides.
Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the
spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a pure
skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in
fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the post, the
attacking side may offer the ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is not
recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that
such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides
that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.

2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand that
the concept we know as "justice" rests in these circumstances with the
hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is
just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical
principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively
elected.


Team Selection

To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a
turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man
selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually
the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first
selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in
the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't have their
own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They
will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order,

selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that
while there is a sliding scale of players' ability, there is also a
sliding scale of players' brutality and propensities towards motiveless
violence. A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the
less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of
Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the
FBI, that he'd "rather have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the
tent pissing in".
Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of
the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his gemme", and he must
be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked
late and withdraws his favours.
Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the
game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will
inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior g ame, where
the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the
playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must
appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are
looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed
briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and
anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger
between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up
the other end.


Tactics

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from
among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side
is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17
formation.
This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and
territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned
and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes
referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives
rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps
four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area
of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that
every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all
times.


Stoppages

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play
will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen
in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless
subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time its elf is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the
drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to
play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and
any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into
forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged
responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in
his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to
observe that A: "Ye canny make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".

Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not
have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking
loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will
ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them

simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The
length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog.
A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in
circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes

to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant
abandonment.

Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is
determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of
thing.
The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own
kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players
to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually
results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in
attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing
the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Chic Murphy"
or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local
green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption
(loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with

it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the
bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these
circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as
further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage:
Menopausal old bag calls police.


Celebration

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in
the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of
the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it
34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the
cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo
dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will elicit applause and
back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.
However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the
epithet "poachin' wee bastart" from the opposing defence amidst mild
acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball
is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the
original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and
keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly dese
rved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored
by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it
falls into any of the latter three categories.
*Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's no' a
full-size pitch".


Penalties

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer
to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the
Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best
Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the
Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front,
the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and
are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.


Close Season

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for
about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring
to play as it is to watch.

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