Below are allegedly genuine* announcements made by tube drivers, on the
London Underground.


To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
"Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the
passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the
train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take
your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that
is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for
public transport and not a bin on wheels"

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at
Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and she is being removed
from the train.

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad
news?" "The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit
the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that
none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and
not even a card."

"The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our
destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up
the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we
started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the
man in front or beside you or opposite you." "Let me start you off:
"Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?""

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of
the train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please
stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered
into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again,
but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

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