What to get your man this Christmas


Christmas is here, so here are some gift ideas for
those special men in your life!


Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as
it is for women. Follow these rules and you should
have no problems.


Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill.  It does
 not matter if he already has one.  I have a friend
 who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
 you can never have too many cordless drills.  No
 one knows why.


Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
 anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.  Men
 love saying those two words.  "Hey George, can I
 borrow your ratchet?"  "OK. By the way, are you
 through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one
 knows why.


Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for
 his car.  A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of
 deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror.
 Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.


Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks.  Do not buy men ties.  And never
 buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted
 men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented
 Jockey shorts.


Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the
 ones they have worn out.  If you have a lot of money
 buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture
 in the corner.  Watch him go wild as he flips, and
 flips, and flips.


Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.  If you
 do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.  Real men
 drink whiskey or beer.


Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after
 shave or deodorant.  I'm told they do not stink - they
 are earthy.


Rule #8:
Buy men label makers.  Almost as good as cordless drills.
 Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
 everywhere. "Socks.  Shorts. Cups. Saucers.  Door.
 Lock.  Sink."  You get the idea.  No one knows why.


Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
 on the box.  It will ruin his Special Day and he will
 always have parts left over.


Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
 Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Centre,
 and Les Schwab Tire.  (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears
 Clearance Centres are also excellent men's stores.  It
 doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.  "From NAPA
 Auto, eh?  Must be something I need. Hey!  Isn't this a
 starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow! Thanks.")


Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger.  That's why they never cook - but they
 will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100
-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the
 thrill!  The challenge! Who wants a hamburger!?"


Rule #12:
Tickets to a Vikings game are a smart gift.  However, he
 will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
 Century Quilts."  Everyone knows why.


Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws.  Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chainsaw.  If you don't know why - please refer to Rule
 #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.


Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium
extension ladder.  Never buy a real man a step ladder.
 It must be an extension ladder.  No one knows why.


Rule #15:
Rope.  Men love rope.  It takes us back to our cowboy
 origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.  Nothing says love
 like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

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