A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says to the approaching waiter, 'I want to speak to the arsewipe manager of this farking shiatehole'. The waiter says that he'll be 
pleased to introduce the manager to him, but he must tone down his language. The manager is summoned and asks 'Can I help you sir?' 'So, you're the chicken-farking shiat- for- brains in 
charge of this wankpot?' The manager replies 'I am. Can you please tone down your language. This is a high-class establishment'. 'Never mind that bollocks, where's your farking piano?' 
asks the man. Suddenly the manager catches on. 'Ah! You've come about the pianist's job? Well, step this way, and perhaps you can play something for us as a trial'. The man is happy to 
oblige, and when he sits at the piano, and the manager asks him if he can play some blues, he turns out the most fantastic, rolling blues piano that the manager has ever heard. 'That's 
fantastic. I've not heard that one before'. 'No', says the pianist, 'it's one I wrote myself, called I'd Love to fark Your Missus on the Sofa but the Springs Keep Catching My Nob'. The manager 
is bemused but asks if the pianist can play any jazz. Again, the tune that he turns out is the best jazz piano the manager has ever heard. 'That's brilliant, too. Your own composition again?' 
'Yes', replies the pianist, 'that's called Whenever I Wank on the Washing Machine, My Bollocks Get Trapped in the Soap Drawer'. The manager is again slightly embarrassed, but asks if 
the pianist can play a slow ballad. The song he plays is the most beautiful the manager has ever heard. With a tear in his eye, he asks the pianist if that was another of his own songs. 'Yes', 
he replies, 'called farking You Under the Stars with Your Ringpiece Shining in the Moonlight'. 
The manager is convinced that the pianist must have the job but says 'one of the conditions is that you do NOT speak to the public or introduce any of your songs. You're here to play the 
piano and not to converse with the clientele'. The pianist accepts, and after a week in the job, he sees one evening the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, sitting at the table closest 
to the piano, on her own. She is falling out of her dress, stares intently at the pianist and has the butter from her asparagus tips starter oozing slowly down her chin. 
After half an hour of this, the pianist can stand this no longer, and he runs to the gents' to relieve himself of his tension. He is just unburdening himself when he hears the manager's voice 
outside: 'Are you there? You're here to play the piano so come back in and play, or you're fired'. The pianist has no time to adjust himself, and runs straight back to his piano and carries on 
playing. The gorgeous woman approaches him a few minutes later and asks 'do you know, your cock and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and there's cum dripping on your 
shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist, 'I farking wrote it'. 

Index