If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug 
 of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost 
 instantly removed. 
  
 Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply 
 strapping a large fake peni$ to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as 
 to your allegiance. 
 
 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone 
 else to hold them while you chop away. 
 
 Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at 
 people as they walk up the aisle. 
 
 Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate 
 bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first 
 place, you fat b*st*rds. 
 
 Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following 
 morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble 
 full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 
 
 
 X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking 
 two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the 
 following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. 
 
 Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the 
 object you wish to view. 
 
 
 Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 
 
 Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating 
 cakes again. 
 
 
 A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat 
 hanger in an emergency. 
 
 Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, 
 imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your 
 intended destination in the first place. 
 
 An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive 
 vibrator. 
 
 Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by 
 running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada 
 
 Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply 
 pi**ing in the sink. 
 
 Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag 
 from the butt of your last one. 
 
 Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of 
 cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order. 
 
 High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, 
 thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 
 
 Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your 
 cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to 
 insulate your loft. 
 
 Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, 
 sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and 
 driving the wrong way up one way streets. 
 
 Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin 
 in a bowl of iron fillings. 
 
 Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car 
 before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars 
 anyway, so it may as well look like one. 
 
 A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from 
 rolling over and going back to sleep. 

Index