1) Problem: I am thirsty and in need of refreshment.

Man Solution:

Drink beer.

Woman Solution:

Spend five hours deciding which flavour of Bacardi Breezer to
drink, worry about getting fat, count calories in each flavour, get
stressed as blokes have bought six rounds by this point, have a glass of
water as it's 11pm sulk for the week because you got left out and had to
drive.

2) Problem: I feel bloated and uncomfortable

Man Solution:

Fart As Loudly as possible. Celebrate by having a beer.

Woman Solution:

Spend £12 on Wind-eze and other such quack medication because
ladies don't fart apparently. Sulk because he saves the biggest
fart until you're in bed together.

3) Problem:  My feet hurt

Man Solution:

Find a pub and take the weight off them. Have a beer whilst you're
at it.

  Woman Solution:

Spend £250 on new shoes. Never wear them as they're uncomfortable
when new.

4) Problem: I am hungry.

Man Solution:

Eat food. Any food. Preferably hot enough to generate a beer
thirst.

Woman Solution:

Spend seven hours finding suitable low-calorie food that satisfies
your taste buds, spend hours cooking and preparing it. Sulk when
bloke arrives stinking of beer with a Donner Kebab.

5) Problem: I am depressed

Man Solution:

Drink beer with your mates, talk about how great breasts are and
forget what the problem was.

Woman Solution:

Cry.  For no reason whatsoever.  Ring bloke.  Get upset with him
for something he didn't do/doesn't remember doing/wasn't physically
capable of doing.  Ring friend make her cry too.

6) Problem: I am bored and have no money.

Man Solution:

Have a beer - that's what you spent your money on right?

Woman Solution:

Count your collection of unworn shoes, tidy house, shout at bloke
or being messy, watch Bridget Jones/Titanic/Girlie Film. Cry about
something meaningless and unimportant, cry more because you don't
know why you're crying. Think how wonderful bloke is as he gives you a
loving cuddle, until you notice that he smells of beer and is
actually relying on you to hold him upright. Shout a bit and cry some
more.

Index