Newspaper Bloopers and Funnies
Classifieds--Headlines--Advertisements--in the News
Classifieds:
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.
Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 mustang, 5l,
auto, excellent condition $6800
Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.
'83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000
Star Wars job of the hut -- $15
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.
Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue89 cents
German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man)$50
Nordic track $300hardly used call chubbie
Bill's septic cleaning"we haul American made products"
Shakespeare's pizza free chopsticks
Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better
be reward.
Hummels largest selection ever"if it's in stock, we have it!"
Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Nice parachute never opened used once slightly stained
Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.
American flag60 stars pole included$100
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? we offer profit sharing
and flexible hours. starting pay: $7-$9 per hour.
Notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway
87 near southridge storage. please return the pumpkin and be checked.
pumpkin may be radioactive. all other plants in vicinity are dead.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring -$175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer$300.
Actual ad in the NY Times (fact or fiction :o)
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition.$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Headlines:
Here are the top 24 headlines of 1998!!
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
More Headlines:
Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember
Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell.
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet
Georgia Peaches California Grown 89 Cents lb.
The Boston Globe ran a story on the Ford/Volvo deal.
The headline was "Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?"
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Man Jumps off 2nd Street Bridge
Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
After Detour To California
Shuttle Returns To Earth
Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
Properly Drafted Will Reduces Anxiety After Death
Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often
Experts Increase Probability Of Big Quake in California
Man Found Dead In Cemetery
Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire
Let's take things literally!!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Advertisements:
Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
Bar s sliced balogna regular or tasty save 30 cents on 2
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee & donuts
Kellogg's pot tarts$1.99 box
Fully cooked boneless smoked man$2.09 lb.
In the News:
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women,
up from almost none a year ago. (Detroit News article)
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline)
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. (Entrepreneur
Magazine ad)
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out (The Tallahassee Bugle)
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska
Times)
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New
Haven, Connecticut Register)
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters (The
Tallahassee Democrat)
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The
Houston Chronicle)
Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] (The New Haven,
Connecticut Register)
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands (Bangor Maine News)
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times)
Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal (The Bosnia Bugle)
Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow (Newsday)
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax (San Antonio Times)
Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free (Chicago Daily News)
Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders (The Miami
Herald)
Index