The following are actual news excerpts from
 the African press in South Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.
 1. The Cape Times (Cape Town)

 "I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said
 Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I
 can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean
 the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he
 replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes
 some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each
 floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. We
 had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working
 for GE Lighting."

 2. The Star (Johannesburg):

 "The situation is absolutely under control," Transport
 Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our
 nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is,
 that's all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that
 the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the
 Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team
 of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to
 find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically
 reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The
 Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can
 see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman
 opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his
 face when my ship comes in."

 3. The Standard (Kenya):

 "What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily
 convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A
 technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You
 people are not patriots.  You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a
 spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a
 through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two
 passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed
 one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and
 unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested
 taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack
 had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried
 heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and
 the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. When I
 announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr
 Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle andsaid
 we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that
 there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he
 would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own
 expense."

 4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

 While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo,
 the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers.
 When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients
 nowhere to be seen.  Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were
 uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those
 in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove
 straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his
 'charges',warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff
 removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were
 roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients:
 nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended
 comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

Index