Symptom: Feet cold and wet. 
Fault: Glass being held at an incorrect angle. 
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. 

Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 
Fault: Improper or weak bladder control. 
Corrective Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about 
house-training. 

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. 
Fault: Glass is empty. 
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. 

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. 
Fault: You have fallen over backwards. 
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar. 

Symptom: Mouth filled with cigarette butts. 
Fault: You have fallen forward. 
Corrective Action: (See above) 

Symptom: Beer is tasteless and the front of your shirt is wet. 
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to the wrong face. 
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom and practice in the mirror. 

Symptom: Floor blurred. 
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass. 
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. 

Symptom: Floor is moving. 
Fault: You are being carried out. 
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. 

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. 
Fault: Bar has closed. 
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with the bartender. 

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on unusual and colorful aspects and textures. 
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
Corrective Action: Cover mouth. 

Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles. 
Fault: You are dancing on the table. 
Corrective Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking. 

Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear and tasteless. 
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up. 
Corrective Action: Punch him. 

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. 
Fault: You have been in a fight. 
Corrective Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. 

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. 
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. 
Corrective Action: See if they have free beer. 

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. 
Fault: Beer is too weak. 
Corrective Action: Have more beer until your voice improves. 

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. 
Fault: Beer is just right. 
Corrective Action: Play air guitar. 

Index