A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The 
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 
 
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash 
key...." 
 
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was 
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. 
 
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there 
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look 
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's 
cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" 
 
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or 
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's 
Colin. 
 
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the 
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 
 
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find 
any. 
 
 
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he 
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too 
high.' 
 
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong 
currant. 
 
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, 
I've cut your arms off". 
 
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle. 
 
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in 
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak 
and heat it too. 
 
 
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks 
the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. 
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" 
"Like a glove." 
 
 
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with 
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

Index