Man's five most feared questions: 
 
 1. What are you thinking about? 
 2. Do you love me? 
 3. Do I look fat? 
 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 
 5. What would you do if I died? 
 
 What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to 
 
 explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells 
 the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below 
 along with possible responses. 
 
 Question 1: What are you thinking about? 
 
 The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit 
 pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, 
 thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have 
 met you." 
 
 This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which 
 most likely is one of the following: 
 
 a. Nothing 
 b. Football 
 c. Jennifer Lopez 
 d. How fat you are 
 e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died 
 
 Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who 
 once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be 
 talking to you." 
 
 Question 2: Do you love me? 
 
 The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is 
 necessary: "Yes, dear." 
 
 Inappropriate responses include: 
 
 a. Oh yeah, shit loads 
 b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
 c. That depends on what you mean by love 
 d. Does it matter 
 e. Who, me? 
 
 Question 3: Do I look fat? 
 
 The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" 
 
 Among the incorrect answers are: 
 
 a. Compared to what? 
 b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
 c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 
 d. I've seen fatter. 
 e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would 
 spend the insurance money if you died. 
 
 Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me? 
 
 Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" 
 
 Incorrect responses include: 
 
 a. Yes, but you have a better personality 
 b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 
 c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 
 d. Define "pretty" 
 e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would 
 spend the insurance money if you died. 
 
 Question 5: What would you do if I died? 
 
 A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari 
 and a boat".) 
 
 No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of 
 follow-up questions, usually along these lines: 
 
 WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
 MAN : Definitely not! 
 WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married? 
 MAN : Of course I do. 
 WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
 MAN : Okay, I'd get married again. 
 WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face) 
 MAN : (makes audible groan) 
 WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
 MAN : Where else would we sleep? 
 WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her? 
 MAN : That would seem the proper thing to do. 
 WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
 MAN : She can't. She's left-handed. 
 WOMAN: (silence...) 
 MAN : Shit. 

Index