French Intellectuals to be Deployed to Afghanistan
      to Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God

      The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday
      when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon
      of crack French existentialist philosophers into the
      country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by
      proving the non-existence of God.

      Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade,
      or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the
      combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
      existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by
      numerous intellectual battles fought during their
      long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first
      action will be to establish a number of pavement
      Cafes at strategic points near the front lines.
      There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly
      about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely
      isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied
      by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends
      who will further spread dismay by sticking their
      tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes
      and looking remote and unattainable to everyone
      else.

      Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke
      yesterday of his confidence in the success of their
      mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense
      and unshaven young man in a black pullover,
      gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are
      caught in a logical
      fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and
      I can prove it. Take your Tongue out of my ear,
      Juliet, I am talking."

      Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on
      man's nauseating freedom of action with special
      reference to the work of Foucault and the films of
      Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies
      have been quick to condemn the operation as
      inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive
      smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could
      wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

      Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may
      also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor
      Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his
      non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.
      Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of
      God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing
      out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album
      out and Jesse Helms has not died yet. This is only
      one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the
      Allies.

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