Oh, those cheesy Hong Kong martial arts films... Was there ever a better
source of entertainment for a group of bored preteen boys in the early
1980's? WPIX's "Drive-In Theater" was a staple of Saturday afternoon
entertainment back then, when (with two hours' visual instruction) every
kid was a kung-fu expert. More - every kid was a Deadly Venom.


As Hong Kong was under British rule until 1997, all HK-made films - even
these... er... cost-conscious productions - were required to have English
subtitles. However, one gets the sense that these translations were not
always done with the care and accuracy that these celluloid masterpieces
deserved...


A collection of some of the more... interesting subtitles was printed in
the book Sex and Zen & A Bullet in the Head by Stefan Hammond and Mike
Wilkins. Part of this collection is reprinted here - without, of course,
permission. I throw myself on the mercy of the court.


- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
- Bump him dead.
- Catherine is a nasbian!
- Then pop, he's gone.
- You're bad. You make my busts up and down.
- Don't do anything perverted, we are in a hurry.
- Noodles? Forget it! Try my fist!
- Damn you, stink man!
- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
- You won't die in one piece.
- What is a soul?
    It's just a toilet paper.
- Don't you feel the stink smell?
- Your dad is an iron worder, your mom sells beans.
- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
- Not any nuts will admit they are nuts!
- Miss, shall we make it?
- Damn, I'll burn you in a BBQ chicken!
- She's terrific. I can't stand her.
- Get out, you smurk.
- She's adulterated and cuckolds me.
- The fart of God.
    What does it mean?
     With a remarkable sound.
- My world is to companion with calabash til drunk.
- You bastard, try this melon!
- You're petulant, but not concentrated enough.
- How can a bullet be breathless!?
- Today we're here to purge a bourgeois slut who only cares for immoral sex
and hedonism. She stole a pair of basketball shoes from the Fatherland.
- Don't shout. Balls are not broken yet.
    Yeah? My iron balls are like marshmallows now!
- This is not Taiwan. This is Hong Kong! How can you go around hitting
people on the head all the time?
- I'm not... I'm!
- I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
- I'm a sneaker.
- Poodle Head attacked us.
- An enurotic chick who have a bomb in her hand made us take our clothes
off.
- The reproductive organ was bursted by bullet.
- He is the most stupid swordsman in the world of martial arts.
- Brother, my pants are coming out.
- I'm not Jesus Christ, I'm Bunny.
- And these are toes chopped down by spacemen.
- Well! Masturbate in hell!
- Suck the coffin mushroom now.
- You always use violence. I should have ordered the glutinous rice
chicken.
- Be a tearn and don't bite at each other.
- A big fool, with a gun, go to war. Surrendered and turned to a cake.
- Ok! I'll Bastare, show your guts!
- Suddenly my worm are all healed off.
- I'll cut your fats out, don't you believe it?
- Designing is very brain-consuming.
- I'll give birth to a stuff for you in 10 months, OK?
- The bullets inside are very hot.
    Why do I feel so cold?
- And you thought. I'm gabby bag.
- I can't only jump to dead if you force me on.
- Watch out, the road is very sweaty.
- Pierce his face loci.
- Beat him out of recognizable shape!
- There's no way you can trust her. Her missile is gigantic.
- With potbelly facing Heaven, he'll be Herculean.
- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
- The 5 infants will creep out and kill people.
- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
- Stick back your heads.
- The wolves will burst your tits this time!
- Well, I've got furious now!
- Don't tell any that I have high anxiety or I'll beat you up!
- You have a gun, return him with the bullet.
- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
- Sock him unconscious.
- Maniac! Be smart and release them, or I'll root out your clan.
- I have been scared shitless too much lately.
- You're crazy mad-nutcase.
- That may disarray my intestines.
- Boss, Zhao is ridiculous.
- Oh, are they chewing gums or my hearing's wrong?
- Give me your urine... urine cures inner injury.
    Do you want more?
     No. Yours is not so good.
- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
    That's reasonable.
- Tell him a hill will collide into his car tonight.
- Check if there's a hole in my underpant?
    No! I saw a vomiting crab.
- He's Big Head Man, he is lousing around.
- No smoking, I know, but this is hemp.
- Let me make a mark on your chest.
    No. I want to wear low-cuts.
- No ripping off? How about jerking.
- The tongue is so ugly.
    Let's imagine it to be Tom Cruise.
- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
- So you really are fully bruised?
    No bruises on the tongue, the palm or the buttocks.
- You're a bad guy, where's your library card?
- A red moon? Why don't you say blue buttocks?
- Sex is something necessary in one's life.
    Good, you are my friend then.
- Guns! You think I'm meaning puppy?
- You cheat ghosts to eat tofu?
- You daring lousy guy.
- How can you use my intestines as a gift?
- You're stain!

Index